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lemondifficult:

Dudes who assume I know nothing about politics or history and give me unsolicited lectures like last night at trivia someone tried to tell me who Mussolini was and another tried to explain flat taxes to me like please climb out your ass I graduated summa cum laude with a degree in political science.

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Guy who tried to explain Mussolini?  I got nothing for that one.  But the flat tax guy?  That’s in their DNA, they can’t not talk about the flat tax, but give him a few minutes and his pants’ll get all tight talking about Ayn Rand.


Watch a full episode of IFC’s ‘Garfunkel and Oates' right now

merlin:


Congratulations, Healthy-Cafeteria-That-Sells-Only-Diet-Drinks
You’re officially the worst thing in the world.
I totally just put four salt packets on my double bacon cheeseburger, so, screw you.


As you do.

merlin:

Congratulations, Healthy-Cafeteria-That-Sells-Only-Diet-Drinks

You’re officially the worst thing in the world.

I totally just put four salt packets on my double bacon cheeseburger, so, screw you.

As you do.

barelytolerable:

unclefather:

this is the scene of the crime

That one time our cat ate the entire center out of a baked pumpkin pie the night before we were supposed to take that pie to a family Thanksgiving.

barelytolerable:

unclefather:

this is the scene of the crime

That one time our cat ate the entire center out of a baked pumpkin pie the night before we were supposed to take that pie to a family Thanksgiving.

tomoatmeal:

You don’t have to be a parent to understand the horror of walking into a room to discover that the baby crawled out of his crib and onto that pottery wheel you forgot to turn off.  And while the baby is spinning around and around, the dog is sitting there all calm, like a person, gently using his paws to fashion the baby’s soft cartilage head into something a little more modern.  It might be the classic tale of bad parenting, but let’s see where the dog is going with this.


As a soon to be parent I find this scenario far more frightening than most people.

tomoatmeal:

You don’t have to be a parent to understand the horror of walking into a room to discover that the baby crawled out of his crib and onto that pottery wheel you forgot to turn off.  And while the baby is spinning around and around, the dog is sitting there all calm, like a person, gently using his paws to fashion the baby’s soft cartilage head into something a little more modern.  It might be the classic tale of bad parenting, but let’s see where the dog is going with this.

As a soon to be parent I find this scenario far more frightening than most people.

glittermorgue:

moon—cunt:

this should be published in a book of poetry

glittermorgue:

moon—cunt:

this should be published in a book of poetry

theladyasha:

 ”Well the baby started calling for its.. for mom. And then - because that’s - it’s not like that was written; the baby wasn’t doing its lines, it actually started calling for its mother. And then we all just looked at each other, at the monitor, and like ‘oh my god’ … “

-Rian Johnson (director 5x14 Ozymandias), Breaking Bad Insider Podcast 

liartownusa:

2. AB Positive Blood Anti-Discrimination Campaign: “I’m Not a Blood Type”